Love Will Tear Us Apart
by Small-Clever-and-Terrible
Summary: We keep coming together and falling apart. We keep bumping into each other and then disappearing from each other's lives. We keep it up until love tears us apart.
1. Chapter 1

_This is something I wrote back when season 4 was only begining to unfold and for some reason I never uploaded it. Anyway, let me know if you like it and if I should continue with this. _

* * *

You know that feeling you get before something big is about to happen. That anxious feeling like something is going to go wrong and you'll fail. That feeling in the pit of your stomach – like butterflies morphed into bees.

Usually I get it quite often. And it's not like I'm insecure or anything but, I guess, it's a thing of mine to feel extremely nervous and unsure right when I'm about to board on a plane or take a train somewhere. I've never told this to anyone, but every time I leave I feel like I'm not gonna make it back.

I guess you could call me paranoid.

Once at school, for no apparent reason it seemed, I felt this knot in my stomach. I mean I wasn't leaving for anywhere or anything. Also I felt like I was going to faint any minute now. I even imagined, kind of, how I'm going fall to the ground – gracefully yet tragically – and how my classmates would react. I'd scare the shit out of Elena.

But nothing happened. I remained in my plastic chair in the old stinky classroom. I looked around if anyone noticed anything or, maybe, wanted to tell me I looked a bit pale or something. But, again, nothing happened.

It isn't until now that I realize that despite what I thought this anxiety has never actually left me since then. Sometimes it gets stronger until my palms are sweating. Sometimes I almost don't feel anything. There are even times I think it might be gone. But then it comes back tenfold.

Then it feels too much like death.

I would say I have no reason to feel things like that, but it may be not completely true. For one - Klaus got his ass back in town parading around and claiming some real shit was about to blow up.

Then there was Elena who can't survive without killing and won't survive if she actually kills an innocent human being. So she turned Matt into a walking McDonalds and we all pretend it's ok for her to snack on her friends.

Damon is sure Elena will be able to get through all this and that she'll eventually get used to being a vampire. But I can see her going off the rails bit by bit.

She's always been secretive – not to tell obsessed – about making a martyr out of herself. But she has never kept so many secrets from Stefan. He must feel hurt.

I know because I did. It felt so awful when Elena started drifting from me into awaiting arms of the Salvatores.

And _then_ there is my Grams. I don't even know where to start here. Seeing her dying once again was like a knife to my heart. I felt like dying myself. I didn't want to think about it but I doubt I could ever stop.

As much as I wanted to place the blame on somebody's head I always ended up blaming myself.

* * *

"We _needed_ you and you weren't there! You didn't even bother to pick up your goddamn phone. Why the hell would you need one if you don't know how to use it?" The air in Salvatore library was charged, to say the least. With Damon snarling his lungs out at me, I only prayed there wasn't any stakes nearby – I was seconds away from putting him out of his misery.

"Well I'm sorry I didn't appear at your first call." I responded sharply.

"I know Professor Creepy is a hottie. But you chose pretty inconvenient time to set up your love life" His expression was of angry ones which in turn got me even more agitated to shut him.

"Well, I'm glad you have yours all set up for you" Eyebrows lifting I pressed my lips into the tightest of the lines.

"Will you guys stop this, please?" Right. _Saved by the angel_, I thought sarcastically. Beautiful as always Elena stood close to us – a lot closer then I expected her to be actually – with her hands on her hips and tired expression on her face.

Come to think about it, all this made me quite depressed. I was so tired to bicker with Damon, soothe Elena. I was tired of doing spells and being the back-up plan. I was tired of being here.

* * *

As if Elena wasn't compassionate enough and didn't blame herself for everything, fate graced her with vivid hallucinations for killing the hunter. This drove my friend even deeper into the frenzy and when one lovely night she attacked Jeremy it became painfully obvious something needed to be done and it needed to be done fast.

Once again I was left alone with a problem to be solved. They didn't expect anything else than success. They didn't care how I was going to save Elena as long as things got better.

But having zero knowledge on those hunters I had no idea how I was of any help.

That's how I ended up tied to a fucking chair at night in a dim lit class room where professor Shane kept his books and where we used to practice.

After some denying the fact that no one was going to save my ass, I somehow settled in and I tried to think of my possible ways out.

For one I could light a candle and scare him to death with it. _Right._ So I tried to talk myself out.

"I thought I could trust you" I said quiet and disappointed as hell. I wasn't sure he heard me because had his back to me and for a fine minute he didn't responded in any kind.

Then he turned slowly. "I'm doing this to help you. You'll thank me later. You will." I doubted that _a lot_. I puffed out some air but otherwise stayed silent.

I was quite hurt, to tell the truth. Somewhere along us practicing magic we made out a little and I foolishly hoped for some sort of continuation. But no avail, apparently.

"Bonnie, that man – hunter – is dead now. You hear what I'm saying – _dead_. One of your so called friends killed him. You, of course, won't tell me who… but I understand… I wouldn't too." He came to the chair and hovered above me. "He was a key to some riddles I really wanted to solve…"

"Okay." I desperately tried to stay rational. "But why keep me here? What do you expect to happen?" He leaned in close and caressed my cheek with his fingertips.

"We'll see… who comes for you… who loses their mind because of those nasty hallucinations. You and me… we're going to wait and see."


	2. Chapter 2

The car ride was tense. No one spoke or anything. But I didn't mind, for once, I was still pretty shaken from what I had to experience. And I didn't know how to feel about anything anymore. On the one hand Shane was a threat and he did make a hostage out of me. On the other – he had been treating me in that nice way no one did lately.

"You didn't have to kill him" I said quietly. I didn't really want to look at Damon so I kept gazing out of the window and into the night.

"Yes, I did. If I didn't kill him he would kill _us_" He had been so angry when stepped his foot into that classroom – eyes blazing and all. Never in my life was I so happy to see Damon. I don't know if it's right to say Damon saved my life that night, because I doubt Shane would kill me. But you never know. In this town you never know who or what has the possibility to kill you.

I caught Damon stealling glances at me. His brows were furrowed and something in him reminded me of Stefan then. After a few more awkward moments he finally spoke.

"Are you ok, Judgy?"

Was I ok? No. Was I going to tell Damon that? _Hell no._

"I'll be fine" I stated more or less firmly still facing the window.

"I know you'll be fine. I'm asking if you're ok. Are you?"

"Damon…" I had no idea how to respond to that or how to react to his suddenly seemingly caring self. I wasn't used to see that Damon. And something was telling me I wasn't _supposed_ to see that Damon. "Just drive, Damon. Just drive."

* * *

Next time I saw him I was leaving Elena's. For some reason that evening I was feeling more depressed then ever. This sadness wouldn't leave me and, frankly speaking, I had no desire to go home and lock myself in the lonely house. A few years ago something like this would have never happened. My friends would have been there for me to make me feel better.

But now all they did was making me feel _bitter_. I wanted to stay at Elena's for a while – just hang out, watch a movie, talk about something – _anything_. But that didn't work out that well. It felt so hollow and I was more alone there then anywhere.

So I left.

I met Damon half way off the porch steps.

"My my, look who's here. Came to charm Elena to death?" He smirked at my kind words and looked at me curiously.

"I still have some time till then. Want me to charm you?"

"I think I'll pass." I crossed my arms over my chest. Naturally I'd be leaving by this time, but somehow this bickering with Damon made me forget myself for a second. And I was grateful to him for that.

"We will need to discus this entire hunter shit some time soon" he took two steps toward me.

"Sounds like you miss my company too much. Discuss it with Stefan"

"Stefan isn't a witch. You are. Isn't it your responsibility to keep my ass safe?"

"My responsibility is to keep my _friends_ safe. Not you"

"Ouch, Bonnie, that hurts" He put a hand to his heart mockingly. "And there I thought we were making some progress in that department."

"We would if you didn't kill people I like"

"Apparently you like wrong people." He got close to me. "If memory serves me right, the last person you like tided you to a chair and threatened to kill everybody"

"Well he did threaten to kill _me_ so…"

I knew I needed to leave. But I didn't want to just yet. Then the fact that Damon came here for Elena registered in my brain as well as realization that I had to move over from the steps and finish this – dare I say – conversation. So it was really hard for me to explain why I wanted him to stick here with me for a bit longer.

* * *

I watched as it fell apart. All I'd ever know. I merely sat in a chair and observed as my friends transformed into strangers to the point when it had me wondering if I'd met them now would I ever want to befriend them? Heavy and uneasy 'No' sunk somewhere in the depth of my chest.

I found myself declining most of the calls from Caroline. Calls form Jeremy I flat out ignored. And Elena never called me anymore. I was drifting away, but I didn't even feel guilty for that. _Should I?_ Probably. _Will I?_ No.

I slowly made my way through the semi-crowded Mystic Grill. My original plan was to get a few burgers, some fries and get out of here to the sweet safety of my home.

"Haven't seen you for a while" I turned to the source of the sound and wasn't exactly surprised to find Damon sitting next to me.

"Well, maybe you just haven't looked for me", I suggested.

"Maybe I haven't", he shrugged and I wished one of us would disappear now. I looked around and tried to will bartender get my food faster, he didn't seem to notice though.

"So how's it going, Bonnie? School and all?" I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Is there something you want or something?" Damon regarded me with a rise of his glass before sipping on the liquor but otherwise ignored my question. "Anyway, how are the things with the cure going?"

"Why don't you ask Elena?" My shoulders fell and my eyes left Damon's to wander somewhere left to his head. I stared at some couple smiling at each other. "Do you feel miserable?" His voice was far too quite and I wasn't sure who was he asking – me or himself.

"I don't feel miserable." I looked back at him. "I just don't necessarily feel happy", I added with a shrug trying to appear nonchalant. I wasn't sure why exactly I was talking about this. I wasn't sure why I was talking with him at all. But it felt good to get that revelation off my chest though. I didn't think Damon was interested enough to actually _hear_ what I was saying.

"Why wouldn't you be happy? You don't have a personal drama going."

"Maybe that's why".

My food finally arrived and I was relived I could finish this awkward conversation and get the hell out of here.

When I turned my head around from the door to the bar a fine shiver run down my spine at the look Damon gave me.

That's when I knew he, too, wasn't the Damon I used to know anymore.

* * *

When I opened my front door on a disgusting afternoon of a rainy Saturday, I found there no one other than Miss Sunshine - Elena Gilbert - herself. Brown hair curling slightly from the damp air, she stood in all her glory on my threshold. The look on her face reminded me of all the reason why I used to call her my best friend.

"Bonnie, hi", she said softly.

"Elena"

"Can I come in? I really missed you." It took me a moment to understand what exactly she was asking me. Of course. Vampire Elena hadn't been invited to my house yet.

The scariest thing of the moment was that I was actually contemplating if I should invite her or not.

"Yes, sure. Come in, Elena."

As it turned out she came equipped with a bottle of red wine she'd probably stolen from Salvatore cellar. This Elena didn't exactly go shy on alcohol. I heated yesterday's lasagna.

"I feel like everyone's leaving me", Elena looked at me in that special way of hers that made you responsible to feel pitiful.

"Why would you say that?" I glanced at her from my wine glass. "I really don't think you should be saying things like that."

"But it's true. I feel lonely. I feel left alone."

"Everyone is always there for you. Always. If anything ever happens, people are rushing to get to you first to help you. Don't you know that?" It kind of made me feel sick. It should be me complaining if anything.

"I feel you drifting away"

"Sometimes I need time to myself too" I shrugged.

"Stefan hates me." So this is what it's about? Stefan? I looked at my lap.

"Elena…" I sighed. I was going to be telling truth. And it sure as hell was going to be ugly. "You slept with his brother. You told him you're in love with Damon. You can't expect him to be okay. Really." I took a fine sip of my wine.

"It's just… it's Stefan, you know, _Stefan_." She said that like it was supposed to mean something it clearly didn't. Well, at least not anymore.

"There's something I don't understand. You know how he feels. You know he's hurting. And yet, when he said he wanted to forget you, you said no. Why?"

"How could I not? I don't want him to forget me. _I_ remember him. I love him… I'm just not in lo…"

"Yeah" I interrupted. "Do you even hear yourself? Don't you see how selfish that is?" That was indeed incredible and unbelievable. In a million years I wouldn't have thought Elena was capable of being this spoiled girl that wanted everything and everyone.

"You don't understand! You seat in your fortress and don't let anyone in and hate everyone around you." She jumped off of the couch and leaned over me. I knew she was referring to me… not exactly liking Damon. "And you know what? You're gonna end up all alone." _Ouch!_

"Well, maybe if you stick to _one_ dick we all wouldn't have to hate each other." I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. _And there all my attempts to stay out of their relationshit go straight to hell._ Seeing her shocked face was highly unpleasant and made me feel like a bad guy I wasn't. "Elena…"

"It's not my fucking fault I fell in love with Damon! I didn't choose to love him. But I do! And I don't regret it."

"Fine. That's fine. But why come to me and cry about Stefan then? Let the fuck go of him." I got up as well. "And I don't understand how you can just fall out of your freaking epic love overnight. Didn't you tell Damon not so long ago you'd never do just that?"

"That's it. Bye, Bonnie. Thanks a lot for being such a good friend." She stormed to the door, out of it and shut it loudly.

"Au revoir!" I shouted into the emptiness of the house.

At least, I still had half of the bottle of wine all to myself.

* * *

"I managed to upset the love of your life. You need to act more like a devoted boyfriend and, you know, make her feel better or something." Once again I bumped into Damon at Mystic Grill.

"I'm not anyone's boyfriend. The relationship status is _it's complicated _in case you haven't heard."

"Because she's your brother's ex or because she's sired to you?"

"Because she has big mouthed friends I want to murder."

All the talk was making me feel depressed to the point I wanted to leave this town and its people and settle down in Paris. And I never even liked Paris all that much.

I also sometimes imagined myself in a yellow Uma Thurman costume murdering people left and right. That's how depressed it all made me feel.

"I'm actually waiting for someone, so you go find someone else to bother." I made a dismissive gesture with my hand.

"Actually, I'm here on a mission."

"Good. Now, _bye_", I'd agreed to meet Jeremy today, _but if he's not here right now, I'll leave, damnit_.

"No, that mission involves talking you into going with me to your Professor Creep's lair and look for something we could use for the cure related business."

"Mission: impossible. And you're no Tom Cruise, so that's a no." I stood up to leave. Damon caught my wrist.

"That's important. Shane said he knew where the cure was." He did that crazy thing with his eyes as if it was supposed to have some effect on me. Well, it didn't. I hoped it didn't.

"Damon, I know you all really need that cure… I miss human Elena, oh believe me I do. But I don't want to help you let out something or _someone_ that I know nothing about apart from the fact that it could destroy everything and everyone I care about." I wanted to help Elena, but first they wanted me to do magic that would let that Sillas guy out, then they would want me to do magic to get him back in._ What will that possibly do to me?_ Had anyone thought about that, huh?

"Bonnie," he got in my face. What's with everyone getting in my face? Cut it off, guys. "I really, and I mean really, need that cure."

"To know if Elena's love a real thing or not?" I puckered my nose. He stayed silent. "Well, Damon, watch my mouth as I say it." I straitened my back. "It's _not_." If I wasn't feeling adventurous telling him all that.

"You don't know a fucking thing, witch. So shut the hell up. Pretty please." He growled at me moving into my personal space further yet. I refused to back away.

"Oh yeah? Tell me more how 18 years old knows nothing about her 18 year old best friend." This place was getting too hot too fast. I turned to leave knowing full well he'd be right behind me.

I breathed a breath of relief once I got outside and fished my phone to text Jeremy I was no longer in the Grill.

"Just think about it, Damon." I looked up from my phone. "She was head over heels in love with Stefan for a what? Year? More? Something like that. And than suddenly she just stops loving him and goes running around confessing her love to you. That's not logical. Not even a bit."

"I _need_ her to love me"

In that very moment I saw something I never wanted to see, something that scared me more than vampires and vindictive dead witched.

I saw Damon Salvatore crumbling and tumbling down.

In that very moment I felt an awful need to make him feel better. And tomorrow I would curse myself and hate myself but right now… that's just the kind of person I was – Goody Two-Shoes.

"Fine. I'll go with you."

"What?"

"I'm not going to say this twice, Damon. I'm already regretting it."

"No one regrets having a good time with me." And he's back. The Damon I know.

* * *

_Reviews are much appreciated. Let me know what you think._


	3. Chapter 3

**And it's back again. I'm sorry it took me a bit longer than I anticipated to update, but anyways. I hope you like it. Let me know. Your reviews mean the world to me. **

* * *

We didn't really turn on the lights, just a lamp on Shane's table and a torch lamp in that stood lonely a corner. We didn't want to attract unnecessary attention.

The whole apartment did look like a lair. It was rather small and crowded with bookcases, table, nightstands, carpets and boxes full of papers laying everywhere. There were different amulets and seemingly witchy things. All in all, the place didn't feel cozy at all.

Leave it to Damon to find liquor stash first. While I was deciding on where to start Damon helped himself to a bottle of whiskey.

I was staring at one of the cases when he came to stand beside me.

"There are three bookcases and seven boxes of I don't know what and his desk. How do we do this?"

He swallowed down a disturbing amount of whiskey. "I don't know. What are you witchy-feeling?" He smirked.

"That I should leave you to yourself"

"That's just mean"

I was somewhere through my third box when it became plain as day I got half a box closer to putting on that yellow Uma Thurman costume on and start Kill Something mission. I pushed the box away from me and stretched myself on the coach. I closed my eyes for a moment.

"No, no, no. No one on this mission needs a sleeping witch", Damon buzzed obnoxiously into my ear.

"I'm not sleeping. I'm just tired," I rubbed my eyes and stretched my arms again.

"Here, take this." I looked down at the bottle – a new one probably – of whiskey he was holding to me.

"No, I don't… I… Actually…" I took the bottle from him and looked at it. Should I drink? In Damon's company no less.

* * *

I wasn't too drunk, but I definitely was in no condition to search for anything anymore. I was sipping on the liquor and staring blankly at a bookcase.

"You tired?" Damon asked me looking up from a book. I turned around to face him and tried to study his face, to read what he was thinking of.

"Do _you_ ever get tired of this? I mean, we're in constant crisis. Sometimes I feel like I'm a second away from braking down. Do you ever want to drop everything and flee from this town?" Later if questioned I would say it was alcohol talking, not me.

"I…" he stood up from the table he was sitting at and came around to refill my glass. "I got tired a long time ago. But if I leave… there's nothing better for me out there, if I leave. You have no idea how it feels to have no one for _years_."

I hid my face behind my glass and busied myself with sipping on my drink. Just how lonely this seemingly unattached man was? I glanced up. Damon was gazing down at me and his stare was way too intense for me to handle. Just as I was going to move away from him and his blue-blue eyes, his hand shot out and the glass I had been holding no longer than a second ago was gone. I gasped.

"What are you doing?" My voice was far too weak to try and appear my unaffected cool self.

His was getting closer. And closer. And closer. Until his face was two inches away from mine. We were staring in each other's eyes and right now I should have put an end to this, moved away and cut his head off for trying to play with me. Except I didn't. I stood there, rooted to the spot unable and – damnit – unwilling to move.

He kissed me. Brushed his lips on mine and waited for me to respond. I did. I had no idea why, against all my better judgment, I kissed him back. And the sparks flew. Just like in the movies. I was losing myself I him. I didn't want to feel anything else but him pressing against me. His hand on my lower back. Or the other one on the back my neck keeping me close. I liked the way he was keeping me close.

Something snapped inside of me and a warm feeling began spreading from the center of my chest. It scared the shit out of me. I seemed to regain some of my infamous self-control and broke away from his mouth.

"Damon, no, wait. What are we doing? This is so not right." _On so many levels._

"Why? When two people want to kiss they should kiss and there's nothing to overthink about. If two people like each other…"

"I'm not sure I like you… I admit to not hating you, but I don't know about liking." I looked up at him and frowned. "Do you _like_ me?"

"Well, I don't find you disgusting." He shrugged. I rounded my eyes at his nerve. "I even find you sexy sometimes. When you don't judge too much."

He let go of me and stepped back. Looked at me from my head to my toes and went for his unfinished bottle. I was watching him silently.

"You know, Bonnie. I am tired. So tired of everything. Most of all I'm tired of having to second-guess everything comes out of Elena's mouth. I want something real, something I can be sure of. If it's only for a night. Or if it's your affection – or lack of thereof." I think I felt his hurt and despair at the moment. He was looking at me wounded and open. If I looked deep in his eyes I'd see the soul I didn't think he had.

"Damon…" I exhaled.

* * *

"No way! No!"

"Oh it's not like he's ever gonna use it again."

"Damon! It's his bedroom!"

"I know." He pushed me further into the room. I couldn't believe I was about to have sex with Damon Salvatore in the flat the used to belong to the guy who had kidnapped me and tried to abuse my magic.

My mind was on overdrive. _I should not do this. This so, so wrong._ The rational part of me was having a panic attack, no doubt with a heart attack following soon. Okay, so I had admitted I might not hate him all that much after all. I did not flat-out deny I liked him. Okay, he said I was hot and he wanted me. But he wanted me only because he loved my _best_ _friend_ and she was currently making him miserable. _Oh God, if Elena ever finds out about this, she'll bite my head off._ Literally.

"Stop thinking," he murmured my ear as the back of my legs hit the bed.

He had his hands roaming under my shirt – over my stomach and higher to my breasts. He cupped them through the lace of my bra and let out a tiny moan. By far, it was the sexiest thing I'd ever heard. He tugged my shirt off and kissed me on the mouth again. The rhythm of our lips and tongues moving against each other was setting fire to everything down _there_.

I did a quick job on unbuttoning his black shirt and getting him out of it and let my hands explore his board chest. Good God, he was a perfection. Well at least his body was, his personality not so much.

Damon tore his mouth away from my body and looked at me. "You're not a virgin, are you?"

I swallowed. "No" I tried to guess his thoughts. Was it good or bad I wasn't one? His face gave nothing away. "I… I'm not that experienced though…" God, my face was on fire.

His smirk was slow and sexy. "Yeah. We're going to work on that." Now that sounded like a solid promise.

* * *

Damon's hand slipped around my thigh bringing it higher over his hip. I arched my back throwing my head back. A quiet moan fall from my lips and Damon dropped his head to the crook between my neck and shoulder.

Oh god, this man was going to be the end of me. I sure didn't have a lot to compare to, but I had no idea sex could be something this intense and beautiful and hot all at once. Magazines have it sex is only any good if you have an emotional connection with the partner. I hoped like hell it was not the case. The warm feeling in my chest returned full force and if I weren't overwhelmed with waves of pleasure and Damon I would start to freak out. I tried to push the thought out of my mind and concentrate on the moment, because I was certain I wasn't going to last much longer.

When Damon looked in my eyes, the warm feeling turned to all-burning fire. I could hardly stand it. I thought my heart was going to explode. Instead I exploded elsewhere. Damon was not far behind.

"Bonnie" he breathed and dropped his head once again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi, guys and OH MY GOD! Thank you so much for your reviews. I was completely blown by them. I can not even begin to tell you how much they mean to me. Anyways, I'll shut up now. Hope you like this chapter.**

* * *

I wouldn't say I avoided Damon. I might have stopped popping up by the Grill or missed a meeting or four at the boarding house, but otherwise I kept to my usual routine.

While I was not avoiding Damon, I _was_ most definitely avoiding Elena. Despite our Grand Scandal a few weeks ago, she was still my friend and I kind of slept with her kind of boyfriend.

I couldn't exactly bring myself to look her in the eye.

Damon on the other hand having no conscience whatsoever didn't have any troubles taking Elena out of town to have 'some fun', which probably meant feeding on unsuspecting humans and having sex in the bathrooms of bars and clubs.

I wasn't sure how I felt about that. I was glad Damon didn't go around the block telling his mouth off about what we did. But I also expected him to acknowledge what happened – kind of.

He didn't.

It hurt a little, I must admit. We had turned to each other in the hour of need, used and discarded each other like it was no big deal. I was trying really hard to convince myself it was, indeed, something unimportant, irrelevant.

Eventually we would need to address the elephant in the room, but as long as we were keeping out of being in the same room, I guess we were safe.

On my second week of _not_ avoiding anyone, I opened my front door to Damon's face. He had some very important and very much fake excuse to come here. And after 5 minutes of coaxing me to come to the boarding house, our conversation eventually did run out into an awkward silence.

"So how's Elena doing?" I asked.

"Is this your way of asking if I told her what's happened between us?" he lifted a brow at me and crossed his arms over his chest.

"_No_. I just haven't seen her in a while." I mimicked his pose. "And nothing has happened between us."

"So maybe you should come by some time and see for yourself how she's doing." He leaned in my face. "So you're in denial now? Having a few regrets, maybe?" His tone was ice-cold and his eyes were angry.

"I thought we both agreed it was nothing."

"Do you regret it?"

"Does it make me a terrible person if I don't?" Damon exhaled and stepped back a little. Guess, all the neglecting stung him too.

"Now you should do 'It will never happen again' speech" He turned his back on me.

"Probably. But I don't feel like giving speeches today. Besides I don't think you need that speech anyway" I stepped to him and laid a hand on his back. He shuddered. "We should probably just leave it at that and never mention it again." I inhaled gathering some cordage. "As good as it was it will only lead to destruction. And how much more destruction can we take, Damon?"

He turned around then and I got lost in his baby blues. God, he had beautiful eyes. For a moment I thought he was going to kiss me. And as frightening as it was, if he did I would forget my own words and _it_ would happen again. But he just blinked and said "You're right." His eyes left mine as he glanced to the side. "I should go. I have tons of work and I'm chatting with you instead, Judgy." He slipped into his usual self and slipped from my porch.

I didn't stay to watch him go.

* * *

A leather jacket landed on my shoulders followed by two hands that wrapped around my middle.

"You're cold." He breathed in my ear and goose bumps rose all over my skin.

"Well are you gonna warm me?" He laughed softly and started planting kisses down my neck. I smiled happily and turned in his arms. His lips covered mine as he squeezed me closer to his chest. "Dylan" I sighed.

"I missed you"

"You only saw my fine minutes ago." I giggled.

"And I've been missing you terribly since then." He grinned down at me and I grinned back.

"Are we staying here long?" I asked. I _was_ cold – or at least I had been before Dylan came up to help me out – and I was slightly drunker than I'd like to be.

"I was thinking twenty more minutes. Matt just got here and I promised to hang out with him for a while."

"Sounds good to me." I shrugged.

"Hey Dylan! Get your ass over here!" We turned to a group of guys waving at us, gesturing to join them, Matt among them. Dylan looked at me.

"You go, I'll be there in a few." I lifted my empty cup to indicate I was going for a refill. I was also trying save myself from suffering through a severe case of drunken buddy talk they would probably be having. There was only so much I wanted to know about their sex experiences. Dylan nodded and kissed me chastely.

I have been seeing him for a couple of months now. At first I had absolutely no intentions to tie myself into any kind of prolonged relationship and only agreed to go to this date out of politeness and, well, boredom. I had met Dylan through Matt. And when he'd asked me out I cringed at first, but reluctantly agreed to meet him anyway on Friday, 7 p.m. sharp.

Dylan turned out to be sweet and attentive and seemed to be truly interested in what I had to say. Not to mention he was extremely hot with football player built and drop dead gorgeous smile. He was easy-going and never pressed me for anything. I felt light with him. I could forget all about witches and vampires and all the evil and just live a simple teenage life.

As I was making my way to the keg I wondered when was the last time I'd been at a party and really enjoyed myself. Tonight I sure did.

I had just refilled my cup when I felt someone come up beside me.

"I think you've had enough of that." Damon's hand shot out and snatched the cup out of my grasp. He gulped down the content.

"Thank you for your fatherly advice, but I can manage myself." I went to grab the cup back only to have him moving his hand up over his head. "That's ridiculous." I scoffed and crossed my hands over my chest.

"Aren't you supposed to be a responsible drinker, considering your judging ways?" He took me by the elbow and started leading me away from the clearing and further into the woods.

"I am responsible. What are you doing here anyways? Is Elena with you?" I tried looking over my shoulder for a sight of her. I snatched my arm away from Damon and stopped after he dragged out of the eyeshot.

"No. I came alone."

"Why?"

"I wanted to see you." He said and moved closer to me. Here would be appropriate to shake my head and step back. I, however, was hypnotized by his ocean blue eyes and could barely breathe, much less move.

"Damon…" his palm cupped my cheek and my eyes fluttered closed for a second. He slid his hand to the back of my neck and brought my face closer to his.

His lips hovered over mine.

"I can't" I whispered.

"Yes, you can." He breathed back.

"No." I broke from his hold and, turning my back to him, I took three calming breaths. "I'm in a relationship, Damon. And I'm actually happy for once" I faced him again. "Do you necessarily have to hop in and try to ruin everything for me?"

"What?" He yelled. "I didn't do anything. Yet. And…" he pointed a finger at me. "Why are you so mad? You're afraid of what can happen."

I swatted his hand away. "_Nothing_ can happen." I started walking back to the party.

He let me take a few steps before he grabbed me and pushed me into a tree. Teeth clenched, eyes angry, we silently stared at each other. Breathing was quickly becoming a complicated task and air felt liquid. Damon went for my lips again.

"No. No!" I covered his mouth with my hand and pushed him away. He complied. "No!" I shouted again. "I'm not that kind of a person. It's bad enough I slept with my best friend's whatever you are to her. But I am not cheating on _my_ boyfriend. So stop it!"

"Oh please! The only time I actually come to you, you just have to be all moral and judgy and the way you are. And don't pretend like you don't want it." He pointed his finger at me.

"It does not matter if I want you or not. We don't have that type of relationship. You can't do stuff like that." _And say stuff like that and look at me like that._ "And I am seeing somebody, Damon. _Taken_."

"A human loser." He muttered under his breath. "So dump him!" He moved further into my personal space and cupped my cheek. "Break up with him." He whispered looking down at me.

_Yeah, break up with him and do what? Sleep around with you for a while until you get Elena to finally make up her mind? And then what?_

He stared at me, his eyes searched something in mine and it felt like air was becoming heavy again. It was hard to breathe. My palm met the back of his neck bringing our heads closer until our foreheads touched.

It could go either way now. I knew what I should have done – I should have told him to stop it, say something mean and judgy, hurt his feelings, hurt his pride. That, however, was not what I wanted to do. Somehow the thought of hurting Damon was making me feel like I swallowed a handful of rocks.

We were silent.

He nuzzled my nose with his. Hugged me tightly and we let go of each other.

* * *

I was frightened by what was happening with Damon. It made me think and reconsider my choices. And it scared me shitless that for a minute there I actually considered leaving Dylan for Damon. I was close to having panic attack.

Afraid to be left alone with my thoughts I let Dylan to stay the night for the first time that night.


End file.
